My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I AM VODKA MAN
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
