He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
