I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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