I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
