If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
