respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
