Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Randomize
