Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
