Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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