Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
