I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
