Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
