the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
the raccoons are back...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
