Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
