i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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