Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
