apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
