Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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