I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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