And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize