so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
