I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize