Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
