ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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