I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
