My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
