walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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