FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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