Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize