I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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