i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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