I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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