I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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