i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
