after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
