how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
