Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
