Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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