belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
