I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
