I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
