Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
