Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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