I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
