I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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