Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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