Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
my poor anus
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
