eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
