I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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