I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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