Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize