He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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