I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
