Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
