Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize