Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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