eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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