He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I intend to get homeless drunk
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
