i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
