i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
