bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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