Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
