There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
