i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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