I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
