i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
