I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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