Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
