your thong is hanging out like whoa
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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