White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i think i just naturally attract stoners
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
