hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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