i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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